• Why I appreciate it when folks share their pronouns

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    I think if you aren’t already on-board with it, the whole pronouns thing can seem weird. I remember when people started to adding pronouns to their Twitter profiles and started asking everyone to do the same, and I just didn’t get it. Never in the history of ever has anyone confused me for a woman. I am 6’2″, broad-shouldered, and have an over-abundance of facial hair. It made no sense to me why I should add my pronouns to my Twitter Bio and then later on, my PowerPoint slides. There simply wasn’t a need.

    And then, a couple of years later, I found out the person I was married to was a transgender man. We both did really. And suddenly, a subject that I would rather have just muted on Twitter and ignored was now a quintessential part of my life. My hope with the rest of the blog post is that I can explain why I appreciate when folks share their pronouns, and potentially encourage you to do the same.

    Small courtesies are how we show people they are important

    In my early twenties, I used to be very bad at people skills. I was oblivious, didn’t like small talk, and didn’t understand a lot of social norms. One of the books that really helped me is called “How to have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People” by Les Giblin. It’s a weird title that sounds like a 1950s sales pitch, but so much of the book is about being considerate to other people. One part that sticks with me today is about the importance of small courtesies.

    In the book, Les says, “All of us not only need to feel important — We need to feel that other people recognize and acknowledge our importance.” The way that we do this is through small courtesies, small acts of extra effort. When we show up 5 minutes early to a meeting, we show people they are of value. When we make the effort to use someone’s preferred name, we show that they are important. In my mind, if you share your pronouns and don’t need to, that is a small courtesy, and I appreciate it.

    Why is it a courtesy?

    I remember a friend of mine asking “Why would I add my pronouns to my presentations? That’s a personal part of my identity.” And that’s true, it felt weird for me the first time I did it, and I still feel awkward when I say it out loud. As I said, no one has ever mistaken me for a woman, it’s never been in question. So why do it?

    Well, in some ways that’s the point. It is a shared discomfort, it is a shared vulnerability. There is always a risk that by sharing that information you open yourself to mockery or cruelness. I regularly see in Twitter people suggesting that pronouns in your bio means you are partisan and unreasonable. I certainly hope that doesn’t describe me!

    For some people, like my husband, sharing his pronouns isn’t as optional as it is for me. For him, to be referred to as “she” or by his old name, it’s a source of unease or discomfort. Just like how if your name is Matthew, you might not like it if people call you Matt. But it becomes a no-win situation for people like my husband. Does he ignore it and suffer recurring discomfort or does he share his information and risk verbal abuse or worse?

    I worry about his safety regularly. I still quietly flinch when I tell people strangers that I have a husband. Thankfully no one has ever been a jerk to either one of us about it, but I still worry. Just like in my blog post about Codes of Conduct, when I see that people have worked to make our situation feel normal, I feel safer and more at ease.

    It allows me to show you a small courtesy

    Whenever I put together my newsletter, I will copy someone’s name directly from LinkedIn or Twitter. It’s very important to me that I get people name right. I feel the same way about people’s pronouns. I try not to just assume any more, given the situation in my own marriage. And I absolutely hate guessing, if I can easily avoid it.

    I understand that there are situations where it doesn’t make sense for folks, such as cultures where pronouns are non-gendered or folks that don’t feel safe being out as trans. But when it does make sense, please help me demonstrate you are important and worthy of value, by getting your details correct.

  • Lessons learned from being self-employed, 3 years in

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    This month marks my 3 year anniversary of working for myself. I think it was undoubtedly the right decision, but it doesn’t quite feel firm and real. Here are some lessons learned as I enter my third year.

    Learn how to work, or fail

    I think the hardest lesson for me is that the biggest challenge has not been the technical piece. I know how to do that, and I’d like to think I do it well. I even have somewhat of a grasp on the sales and marketing piece. The hardest part is the daily art of working.

    I’ve said it many times before, but there is so much scaffolding that comes from having a workplace, co-workers, and a boss telling you what to do. You expect to just be able to get stuff done when you work for yourself, and that’s just not the case. It’s frustratingly difficult.

    In reality, there is a whole suite of skills that need to be learned to work for yourself, to work from home, etc. for example:

    1. Switching between strategy and execution
    2. Setting boundaries at home
    3. Scheduling work
    4. Identifying what’s profitable and drives the business forward
    5. Tolerating financial and career uncertainty

    My biggest regret has been not focusing on these things from day one. My biggest struggle right now is the art of daily working and daily success.

    Invest in your environment

    Related to that, in the last 5 months, my royalties have been at an all time high. That this feels real and stable, and has caused me to reinvest in my environment. I think that is also something I wish I had done earlier.

    When I first started, I was using the same laptop for both leisure and work, and this quickly lead to a poor work-life balance and everything feeling like a blur. For the longest time I used a $100 desk from Staples.

    More recently, I purchased a standing desk and it has been wonderful. I bought three 27″ monitors. I bought a streamdeck and use it for time tracking launching applications. I purchased $400 headphones, which feels utterly decadent. But I’m realizing it’s all worth it.

    Ultimately, not investing in my environment for so long is a kind of stubbornness. I keep expecting to just be able to work, but this depends on some reservoir of willpower and focus, which is always more limited that I expect. Too often I indulge in “should” thinking.

    How much money do you need?

    One thing that has been a point of frustration is that my top line revenue for the past 3 years has been fairly flat. And sometimes I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. But just looking at top line revenue doesn’t tell the whole story.

    First, if you look at where that revenue came from, there’s been a huge shift over time. That first year, 80% of my income was consulting and 20% was royalties. And much of that consulting was work I didn’t want to do, but did to pay the bills. By year three, that ratio has flipped. Covid tanked a lot of consulting but doubled my viewership.

    One big benefit of that is now my income, while not higher, has become more stable and predictable. Not once during the pandemic did we have to worry about paying the mortgage. In contrast, I know a couple consultant friends who had to go back to getting a job.

    Another benefit has been supreme flexibility. It comes with frustrations, as mentioned above, but I’ve been able to just take a day off, whenever I want. I can take my mom to a bird fair, and it’s fine. I think a lot about folks who get promoted, make an extra $20k but are working 50 hours per week and are miserable. I try to remind myself that I’ve take the reverse choice.

    So what’s next?

    I plan to continue doing consulting on Power BI and the Azure data platform. I think it’s essential as an instructor to stay grounded and relevant. And I enjoy it! But I’m accepting that my main job is to be a perpetual newbie, having to constantly learn technology and package it up for others. This means focusing on instructional design and, more importantly, how to get work done on a daily basis.

    In the short term, I’m working on 3 Power BI courses for Q4 and then hopefully taking the last 6 weeks off for 2021!

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